mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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