it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
