i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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