i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
