i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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