The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize