Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
