This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
