I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
