I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
