so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
