I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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