Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
