My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
