I wish I could punch you in the face.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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