I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
