I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
