it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
