Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
