The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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