Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
