Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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