Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
