So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
