M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
