I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
