My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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