My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
