Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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