your parents love me but you hate me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
