Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
