Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
