It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
