Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
