hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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