I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
