I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
