Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
