i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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