You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You are the jesus of drinking
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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