dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
