I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he just fucked me for my cheese.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
