how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
