im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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