You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
