I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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