Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize