Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
