If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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