Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
