I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
