Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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