K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
