The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry about my life...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
