Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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