Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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