My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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