if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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