For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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