I wish I only lived at night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
