the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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