I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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