Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
