I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
