kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
