'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
